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Questions for Kiya: Kiya S.
Sakaris, C.P.C.C
Question: Dear
Kiya, I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year
and we planned to get married on March 10, 2008. For
over a month, he kept telling me he was feeling weird
about us. I kept asking him and he said he didn't know
what it was. Two weeks back, he told me that he is
concerned that I may have problems conceiving (I was
diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which
affects fertility) and he wanted me to go take tests to
check my fertility. I felt this was very insulting. He
knew about my condition for over a year and he
brings this up now. I do go for the tests and the doctor
tells me that I should have no problems conceiving. We
had a lot of fights because of this and we decided to
talk about it. He kept putting off the talk saying he
needs to gather his thoughts. I got so tired of him that
I told him we should go our separate ways. He says he
loves me a lot, but he feels we fight too much and he is
scared that this will lead to a failed marriage. Also,
he feels that our sex drives are different, that will
cause major problems. I feel every couple has their set
of fights and I don't know what to do anymore. I love
him and want to be with him. What is the meaning of
this? Is this just cold feet or something serious Thank you,
Heather
Answer: Dear
Heather,
You both should know deep down in your heart
that it is 100% right. If you are not too sure, postpone
the wedding for awhile. Your fiancé may have cold feet,
which is perfectly normal, although he may just be
looking toward the future. My question for you is, do
you agree with him? Do you fight too much? If so then,
how do you handle the disputes? Does it get out of
control? Is it a pesky bickering or is it a full-blown
argument with strong words, crying, door slamming and
grudges? There is a huge difference and so much of it
can determine whether you are positively prepared to be
married. He may not feel sturdiness within your
relationship yet, which is not a bad thing. This does
not mean that he loves you any less. Actually, he loves
you more than you think to want to stick it out and make
this work. If he did not care so much about you, he
would have been gone long ago. He definitely loves you
and he has agreed to marry you, although his logic may
be telling him to proceed with caution because of these
things that are mentioned in your letter. He may be
worried that the fighting will become worse or the
sexual intimacy will become null. In many cases, this
would only lead into a divorce, which nobody would
prefer. Most people dream of their life being perfect
and to have all events happen in consecutive order. For
instance, meeting your soul mate, having a fairytale
wedding leading to a wonderful marriage, discovering
that you will be having a baby and then giving birth to
a perfect child, having more children and raising them
together as a family, retiring and sending your well
raised children off to college, traveling and enjoying
one another until grandchildren come along, seeing your
family grow and proudly achieving your fifty year
anniversary. Many times it does not turn out like this,
although you can maneuver and take precautions so that
it will be what you have always dreamed of or at least
come close to it. Your fiancé probably just wants the
best for the two of you and does not want to have either
you or him go through grief if you do not have to. I
know it sounds like if you do not have children, he
does not want to be with you anymore. Because of his
logical thinking (which is a great trait in a husband),
he most likely wants to determine and talk about the
would-if's. Would if you were unable to have children?
Would you want to adopt? If so, then what age, what sex,
when? Would you want to put your energy into giving in
another way, such as orphanages, children with disease,
children in other countries who need help? Would you
prefer to get a puppy? Would you get artificial
insemination? Would you become a foster parent or care
for babies that have the failure to thrive syndrome?
There are many possibilities and you both should talk
about the would-if's (if you have not already), long
before you become married. It should not only be about
children (raising, discipline, jobs, etc.); it should be
about where to live, employment, relatives, friends,
leisure time, vacation time, household issues, money,
insurance, retirement, etc. This will prevent future
arguments and put a plan in place so that you know what
to expect. You actually should start asking him
questions so that he knows that you are serious about
your future as well. Also, it would be wise to go
through pre-marital counseling or coaching and read some
books together. The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of,
by Dr.Greg Smalley, Strengthening Your Marriage, by
Wayne Mack, Hidden Keys Of A Loving, Lasting Marriage,
by Gary Smalley.
Good luck!
Kiya Sakaris,
C.P.C.C.
Click
here to visit A New Beginning
Email Kiya with your questions libraryoflife@sbcglobal.net
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